Self Improvement. This is something I have always done in my own way. Now that I am working through a defined process though, I am going about it from a different angle*. This work is intense. I have really been trying to come to grips with how much fear has ruled my life, and in that my actions. Fear is the reason I have a pen name. But why? What am I really afraid of? That is a hard question.
Early in life, in as they say my “formative years” there was a real tangible almost daily threat to my safety. While I could talk endlessly about nothing of consequence, this was a topic I hated talking about with my parents, and only once even attempted with my peers at the time. I internalized that fear, and self blame pretty deep. The phrase du jour is “triggered” to describe how I would react to some things like seeing my name and contact information on a website even in college and grad school. I have a deep seeded need to be hard to find. Does that still apply in my life? That depends on what I think the threat still is. Is my life in danger anymore? I guess not. But that experience has informed how I push out things in my life. Hurt? Out you go. Make me feel like shit about myself? Out you go. It has been interesting to think on how much danger there really still is. Then there is a shooting and I flip out all over again. Distance helps. Might be why I am so excited to put more miles between myself and my home town. I don’t know what if any threat there still is to me. That is the truth. But untangling the knots of fear from deep in my soul is hard, and I think will be a loooong journey.
So I don’t like to be easily found, but as a professional I have to be google-able. Hence my next layer of fear. Ok you found a reference about me online, I don’t want you to be able to learn anything about me as a person. Seems like a strange feeling for someone who has a blog and did a podcast. But it is there. With that small amount of space, a different name I feel so much more comfortable. So the pen name? I’ll keep it. If I think about it from a professional sense, I don’t want to be googled and have my art pop up, I want my research to pop up. Maybe it is time to make one big art and spirituality umbrella and put everything under it. Who do I want to share this part of me with? Like minded people who I would love to sit down in coffee shop with and talk about art and spirituality. This isn’t even all my friends. That is a hard realization, that there is a part of me I am uncomfortable talking about with people I consider friends. But that is ok right? I can have art friends and science friends, and sometimes people fall in both and sometimes not.
These issues have bubbled up in the past, and while coming at them from a different angle has helped me get out of the mud on dealing with them this last one is new. I don’t know why meditating on parts of my life that need improving ended with a vision of being handed a fancy silver hand mirror, but it did. Along with the realization that I have spent a lot of time working on what is inside, and with that comes a hesitation to look in that mirror. I am not afraid of what is lurking below my surface, we are well acquainted. The same cannot be said for what is on the surface. This is even hard to express in words, while the other topics were so easy, and words just flowed out of my fingers into the keys. Do you know what I look like? Some of you do. A lot of times when I see myself in photos it comes as a shock. I just don’t spend any time thinking about how I look. I tell myself it is not important but, that is lie. When you meet someone before you can even say something they take in your appearance. I did costume design for goodness sakes! You can tell the story of a character with their costume. Do I put any effort in at all? No!
Why am I so reluctant to share my face? Seriously! My husband has been enjoying photography and I encourage him to always find new models because I am uncomfortable in front of the camera, and even more uncomfortable going through the photos with him after. This has to change! He can tell me I am beautiful every damn day (like he does) and I won’t feel like it’s true until I put some effort into making it feel true. This is not something I was expecting. Something that came out of nowhere, but was always there.
My mind and I have a good relationship, my body and I don’t. I always feel like a being shoved into a suit that doesn’t quite fit. Maybe that is because with all that was going on in my formative years I never took to the time to step outside of my mind and truly into my body. I have been known to get lost in my thoughts while walking and stumble, but I rarely get lost in my body and find that I have no thoughts. This is going to be an interesting journey that is for damn sure. Time to start looking outwards instead of inwards.
*OBOD Bardic Grade correspondence course.