Helping humankind live with the earth not against it

I am not ready for the darkness

Meditations on the Path of Knowledge

I want to talk a little bit about the idea of light and dark. The world is all about two things in my mind, cycles and balance. There is light and there is dark. I think there are three attitudes towards darkness in a path that is pagan bent, the first being acceptance and use of the darkness, the second being acknowledgement but not use of the darkness, and the third is ignoring it. I have always been in the second group. To me I am impressed by those who roll up their sleeves and dive right in. I have had a rocky relationship with the darker aspects of life.

I lived in fear for a few years when I was younger (it’s a long story I don’t want to share, but believe me my safety was not something that was a given at that point in my life). This led me down a very dark mental path for many years. I struggled with things beyond my years while my friends talked about boys. I remember even as young as I was the feeling of not wanting to drag them down into my darkness. I put on a happy face and did battle myself. I have always been a very do-it-my-self person and part of that extended into not wanting to burden others with my problems. I have learned to lean on these same friends now, but it took me a while.

I have spent so long trying to free myself of this unstable relationship with the darker aspects of my mental well being that I very strongly stayed away from the darker aspects of my spiritual path. This is not to say that everything was always rainbows and sunshine and fluffy bunnies, but I have never really worked anything that could be even slightly considered negative.

Why this reluctance to explore half of the universe? I think it has to do with not feeling like I have my own darkness under control. I have a wildly explosive temper, and when I am angry I am very deeply and violently angry. I develop strong hatred towards people as well. I know these are not healthy. I know I do not have these emotions under control. I don’t like them. I don’t do workings when my emotions are high. There is a reason I haven’t done much this past year. There is a situation that came up in March that I am still very, extremely angry about. I have considered actions to take magically but when I write them down and come back to them, even when they seem reasonable at the time, I can tell they are over the top. To balance out this darkness I have what I call a creamy center. I am the person who can’t watch uncomfortable comedy like The Office because I feel so bad for the characters. It’s not funny it is painful. Because of this dynamic I often regret and feel horrible about things I do when I am angry. As gleefully as I come up with evil plans, a few minutes later I can be horrified.

Until I learn to control the darkness in me I don’t trust myself working with the darkness. I consider myself an acknowledger of the darkness, while not feeling ready to work with it. Maybe soon I will and I will start down a road of discovery. Sending positivity into the world is something I feel comfortable that I can’t over do and hurt someone. Working anything darker is something I am afraid I will over do, because I know myself.

I recognize flaws in myself, but this I consider a strength, knowing when you are not yet ready for something. I don’t like the way negativity takes over in me sometimes, but I am proud that I have enough control to not do something I will regret later. As I continue to struggle and learn and improve on control of my darker aspects, I feel myself coming closer to exploring the darkness I’m just not there yet.

So I’ll stay in the light, spreading positivity and being contagiously enthusiastic about everything I love!

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2 Comments

  1. Scarlet

    Damn girl! You are not alone at all! I can relate to most of this. Congrats on being aware of your temper… I was clueless about mine for a long time and that's a huge step towards understanding and accepting that part of yourself. And you've got to go at your own pace when figuring out the shadowy side of yourself. As long as you know it's there, you have an opportunity to work with it on your own schedule. And remember, it's not always about control. Sometimes freeing things (in, ironically, a controlled manner) can be just the ticket.
    I read a book a while back when I was having my own struggles, that opened things up for me. It may be a tiny bit “fluffy” in its own way, but “Pagan Anger Magic” by Tammy Sullivan opened up my eyes and helped me come to terms with some things, even if I didn't use any of the workings in the book… just the concepts helped me understand more about myself and how I process things. I highly recommend it!
    -Scarlet

  2. Kathleen

    Thanks for the recommendation! I can be a bit of a control freak as well… more so than I used to be. My temper was hard to miss 😉 I'm a snapper… I just snap. Luckily I haven't in a long time but that has taken work. I will have to add the book to my reading list! and as usual, thank you for the comment! 🙂 You are too sweet! :-p

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