Meditations on the Path of Knowledge
I want to talk a little bit about the idea of light and dark. The world is all about two things in my mind, cycles and balance. There is light and there is dark. I think there are three attitudes towards darkness in a path that is pagan bent, the first being acceptance and use of the darkness, the second being acknowledgement but not use of the darkness, and the third is ignoring it. I have always been in the second group. To me I am impressed by those who roll up their sleeves and dive right in. I have had a rocky relationship with the darker aspects of life.
I lived in fear for a few years when I was younger (it’s a long story I don’t want to share, but believe me my safety was not something that was a given at that point in my life). This led me down a very dark mental path for many years. I struggled with things beyond my years while my friends talked about boys. I remember even as young as I was the feeling of not wanting to drag them down into my darkness. I put on a happy face and did battle myself. I have always been a very do-it-my-self person and part of that extended into not wanting to burden others with my problems. I have learned to lean on these same friends now, but it took me a while.
I have spent so long trying to free myself of this unstable relationship with the darker aspects of my mental well being that I very strongly stayed away from the darker aspects of my spiritual path. This is not to say that everything was always rainbows and sunshine and fluffy bunnies, but I have never really worked anything that could be even slightly considered negative.
Why this reluctance to explore half of the universe? I think it has to do with not feeling like I have my own darkness under control. I have a wildly explosive temper, and when I am angry I am very deeply and violently angry. I develop strong hatred towards people as well. I know these are not healthy. I know I do not have these emotions under control. I don’t like them. I don’t do workings when my emotions are high. There is a reason I haven’t done much this past year. There is a situation that came up in March that I am still very, extremely angry about. I have considered actions to take magically but when I write them down and come back to them, even when they seem reasonable at the time, I can tell they are over the top. To balance out this darkness I have what I call a creamy center. I am the person who can’t watch uncomfortable comedy like The Office because I feel so bad for the characters. It’s not funny it is painful. Because of this dynamic I often regret and feel horrible about things I do when I am angry. As gleefully as I come up with evil plans, a few minutes later I can be horrified.
Until I learn to control the darkness in me I don’t trust myself working with the darkness. I consider myself an acknowledger of the darkness, while not feeling ready to work with it. Maybe soon I will and I will start down a road of discovery. Sending positivity into the world is something I feel comfortable that I can’t over do and hurt someone. Working anything darker is something I am afraid I will over do, because I know myself.
I recognize flaws in myself, but this I consider a strength, knowing when you are not yet ready for something. I don’t like the way negativity takes over in me sometimes, but I am proud that I have enough control to not do something I will regret later. As I continue to struggle and learn and improve on control of my darker aspects, I feel myself coming closer to exploring the darkness I’m just not there yet.
So I’ll stay in the light, spreading positivity and being contagiously enthusiastic about everything I love!