Apologies for the strange sentence structure, I am almost asleep but wanted to get this out.
Deep in my mind there is a very special place. When I need to feel connected to my spirituality that is where I go. I have never had a teacher but I’ve always wanted one. I have always operated by the idea that any tools I need will come to me, I just have to be open to them. So I garage sale (small caldron was my most recent find, and that’s how I got my tarot cards), go to thrift stores, and keep my eyes open for things around the house. I have a box of very special items, but it has taken a while. A long while.
I have always said “I am a student of the earth” and that’s how I ended up in geology. I tend to chase obsessions in my life. The good thing about the earth is… its complicated. I don’t think I will ever be bored! I have found my teacher in that path, my studies. I have found my partner and best friend for life, and now I feel I am ready for my spiritual teacher.
When I started on the pagan path I was young, struggling with situations beyond my maturity level (thank you Juno for that awesome phrase), and depressed. I needed something. I tried feeling a connection at church when we went (like twice a year). Nothing. I spent long hours in the religion section of my library pouring over world religion books that were WAY beyond my reading level. Think college reference books, and I was in 6th grade. When I found this path, my immediate reaction to it was now that I look back on it what stuck.
I love my path. But there are some things about the wicca based paganism that I don’t like. For one, talking to myself. I feel stupid, and like things (that are just around) are listening. Always have. I prefer the silent, action heavy way of doing things. I like making things, arranging things, leaving out offerings, and praying. I do some spells, but not many. When I need help with something normally I already have my mundane plan of action set, and I just ask for a little help. To be perfectly honest I always feel bad asking for things, I prefer to work for them. That holds true in my life as well. I’m not one to ask for money or help unless I have exhausted all of my own resources.
I guess the problem with that approach is that when the universe sends people your way it helps to interact with them. I also consider my religion to be NOYFB (none-of-your-fucking-business). Very few friends know I have a podcast. Very few people know I am still a practicing witch. I like it that way. I feel like a lot of my shortcomings as a practitioner (my dislike of talking to myself included) would benefit from having a teacher. Sucks that I always end up in the middle of no where! Maybe realizing I need a teacher is a step on the way to really wanting a teacher enough to open up.
I know I haven’t bloged a whole lot, but that’s because I was a grad student before. Now I am employed and living somewhere new (translation I don’t really know many people here). Maybe its time for a more diverse friend group, science and religion right? I’m a pagan scientists, and a scientist thanks to being pagan. Hear me meow?
This has devolved. Sense-drive dying, eyes wanting to shut… I guess its time to close my eyes and see where my dreams take me. Good night.